It was a cool autumn night in the remote desert of Southeast Utah, and the air hung still. I was alone in the tipi, while my co-guides and the students we were caring for slept as soundly as they could in the “wall-tent” structure on the other side of camp. I laid there cozied up in my sleeping bag, and the fire that I shared the evening with had gone out some time ago. My gear- knife, headlamp, multi-channel radio, and various other pieces of “guide gear”- lay next to me on either side. Suddenly, at the entrance of the tipi, a familiar figure sat there, watching me with an intensity that made my blood run cold.
The Mountain Lion.
Her eyes remained fixed on me, she lifted her paw and took a step through the tipi’s opening. Slowly she made her way completely into the tipi. I tried to move. I was frozen. Why couldn’t I move? I tried to shout. Not a single sound could I make. She kept to the perimeter of the canvas walls, slowly making her way around. Panic continued to overpower me, and I remained there, paralyzed. Suddenly, she leapt onto the top of the tipi’s skirt- the part that helps with ventilation on the inside of the structure- and continued to walk along it’s edge until she stood only a short distance away from me toward the direction of my feet.
By this time, I had regained some control over my body and voice and released a shout intended to both cry for help and as well as try to scare her away- fruitless though that would be. I instinctively reached for my headlamp that lay next to me, and moved my arm to point it in her direction- her eyes still fixed intensely at me this whole time. My headlamp pointed at her, I turned on the light… she vanished.
Heart pounding. Head spinning. The taste of metallic in my mouth that so often comes from a rush of adrenaline as my body prepares to fight, flight, or freeze. Once again, I was alone in the tipi. The flap that covered the entrance was closed, just like I left it before going to bed. This was not the first time something like this had happened. However, it was certainly the most intense, as the lines between wakefulness and sleep were blurred beyond recognition. In fact, I strongly believe that I wasn’t asleep, but hovered in consciousness somewhere between ordinary physical reality and non-ordinary reality- also known as the spiritual realm. A foot in both worlds.
Ever since I was a kid I had nightmares of Mountain Lions. Sometimes I was being stalked. Sometimes the Mountain Lion simply laid there- its presence being enough to send terror throughout my dreamtime self and into my physical body as I slept. These dreams happened frequently and continued into the various phases and stages of life, and the familiar level of terror remained constant through all my years.
These dreams were confusing, especially since I did not grow up in an area where Mountain Lions typically still roamed. I grew up in the Dallas/Fort Worth area in Texas from birth until I was 18. A predominately suburban/urban area, I had no contact in my waking life that would have caused this level of fear to permeate into the Dreamtime. The only association that I had with Mountain Lions was under another title of theirs: The Cougar. This was my school mascot from Kindergarten until I graduated high school.
Admittedly, after reflecting on my educational environment and its impact on my growth and development, I have to say that it was certainly traumatic. Maybe there’s some association between these nightmares and the representation of trauma depicted by the school’s mascot, but I wouldn’t say that’s the primary association. No, it certainly wasn’t.
It wasn’t until I was 30 years old that my relationship with Mountain Lion took a major shift. One night I had a dream that I was in a desert canyon like that of Southern Utah. In the dream I was with a group of friends having various conversations, when all of a sudden, a Mountain Lion popped up over the canyon’s edges looking down on us. Everyone in the group piled into their van and resumed conversation, but I stayed behind with one other person. Then, Mountain Lion popped up closer to us, just over the edge of a hill, along with four other Lions.
I encouraged whoever I was with not to run, but to walk normally and calmly. Then one of the Lions came over to me and laid down and I started to pet them! I did so with caution, being careful in case I pet them in a way that would cause them to turn and bite me. I prepared and readied for them to turn and bite me, but they never did. Never in my life had I had a dream such as this in which there was not only a positive interaction, but an affectionate moment with Mountain Lion.
Since that time, Mountain Lion has shown up in my dreams in a variety of ways, and the relationship is significantly different. There are still the occasional dreams where I am afraid, but I’ve come to understand that those dreams happen when I’m feeling afraid or challenged to accept my personal truths. What are those truths? Well, that’s what this blog and these stories are intended to share.
My name is Kalina Crafton and I am a transgender woman on a shamanic path. Beyond being on the path, I also accept with grace and humility that I am called to “The Work”, and I facilitate shamanic healing. There is a deep interwoven relationship between these two aspects of myself, and really, I believe that these two aspects go hand in hand. In fact, I see my gender identity as far more than gender. I believe that my identity as a transgender woman is also part of my spiritual identity. More details on that connection to come.
My story- as it pertains to being on a shamanic path and being transgender-holds in its history much resistance to accepting these parts of myself. One of these alone is enough to potentially alienate me from connection and acceptance with family, friends, and the general public. Both of them combined deepens that possibility. True, the times: they are a’changing. But the parts of myself that want love and belonging have historically been afraid of being, “too weird” or “too different”. Not to mention, there are many that call these aspects of my life things like, “delusional”, “crazy”, “dangerous”, “sick”, and a variety of other put-downs. I’ve lived behind a mask- as many folks find themselves doing- to fit into friend groups or social spheres in order to have a sense of connection. Even though these connections often felt disconnecting due to the lack of my authenticity in these spaces.
While I know that every choice, every phase, every version of myself was a potent space for learning lessons, there are times that I wish things could have been… smoother. But as the saying goes, “calm waters do not make a skilled sailor”. I didn’t exactly find myself saying, “oh I’m trans. Cool. Let’s roll with it” and/or, “oh, shamanism. Let’s dive in”. Well, I guess I did- but due to a lack of internal resources matched with fear of moving forward into uncomfortable unknowns, I quickly found myself reverting to old patterns and distancing myself from these identities when these changes felt too overwhelming for the parts of myself that meant to protect me from being an outcast. Trying to wear old skins that we’ve already shed doesn’t work. And when it didn’t work for me, a lot of pain came from these attempts.
My years have had some rough times- as many folks have- and I have to admit that much of it was self-inflicted. I do extend to my past versions patience and compassion, as I know I was doing the best I could with what I had available to me at the time. I know that many of my toxic patterns and harmful traits were the protective mechanisms that I learned as a way to take care of myself. Further, I know that much of my absence of Self- which I’ll touch on more later- came from substantial Soul Loss/Vitality Loss- also which I’ll touch on more later.
Why share all of this? Why take such a major step that puts my vulnerable parts of self and identity in the spotlight? Why put myself in a potentially harmful position due to the current socio–political climate/views towards transgender people in the United States? Why put myself in a position in which I’ll likely be misunderstood by current loved ones and strangers who don’t *click* with the ideologies/beliefs/practices that are part of a shamanic life?
Because stories have power
Stories are what connect us. To one another. To ourselves. To the past. The present. The future. To versions of ourselves that we’ve been. That we currently are. That someday we will or may be. To our Ancestors. To our Descendants. The Earth. The Stars. The Sun. The Moon. All of Life. All that we see. And all that is unseen.
Stories are part of what makes us human. Language, and the words we speak, write, and think, all have such immense power- far more than we often realize in our current society. Language and our stories have such profound potential to influence those in our communities.
I share:
To be a voice.
To be an example.
To give hope.
To give back.
To help Earth they heal.
For others.
For myself.
At the beginning of my gender-journey and my Shamanic path, I shared my story with the intention of justifying my experiences to others as a way to prove that I wasn’t simply “making things up”. Sharing my story did not come from a place of empowerment- for myself or for others- but really, sharing the power of my story was rooted in fear. I shared my story and all the connections between these two parts of my life so that my loved ones wouldn’t see me as “crazy” or “delusional”. Again, I have lived much of my life in a state of fear of being rejected, and that specific fear leads me to the tendency of justifying myself. I felt like I had to justify my identities that to me, feel uncertain if I’ll be accepted.
Times have changed, and me along with them. Now, I share so that my story may be an opportunity for someone else to feel a connection. To feel seen. To feel hope for themselves. To feel that they aren’t alone. To know that a community of diverse individuals with different beliefs, backgrounds, and identities are needed for a healthy world- especially as we leave the ways of the Old Paradigm behind us and step into a New Paradigm way of life.
I share to spread the message of the power of listening- to our own intuition as well as to the messages we receive from outside of ourselves. In the Western culture, we have been conditioned to give away our power. We rely on those who have power over us to tell us what to do, what to think, how to feel, and who to be. We have deadened our senses, distanced the connection to our inherent wisdom, fallen out of relationship with Nature, and have forgotten who we are. From this loss of power and reliance on the ideologies of those who seek profit and gain at the expense of others, many of us feel like we are in a perpetual state of disconnect.
My story goes beyond being on a shamanic path or being transgender. I am also a human having a lived experience here on Earth. I know what it has been like to struggle. I know what it has felt like to be hopeless. I know what it has been like to feel directionless and misguided. I know what it’s like to feel on the edge of wanting to give up. I also know what it’s been like to see my life through a lens of joy. I know what it has been like to feel love for and from others. I know what it’s like to feel purpose and connection. I know what it has been like to feel the duality of being small in a Universe so large that it can feel overwhelming, but to also see how important each of us are to the Web of Life. I have known what’s it’s like to sit in Darkness, and I know what it’s like to be in the Light.
I share with everyone who might come across my story, to be a source of support and encouragement and to say that each of us is worthy and deserving of love. We deserve to live a life of balance and alignment with our passions and purpose. We deserve to listen to the inner voice that says, “this is who we are, where we should be, and what we should be doing”. We deserve to feel genuine connection with ourselves, our communities, and with Nature- for we are Nature.
There are many reasons why I have been called to share. These are a few. In addition to all this, I also share because at the time of beginning these writings, I am reaching out to ask for help with a major step to be in alignment with my truest sense of Self. This step is not one that I take lightly, but in tuning into the depths of my intuition, and listening to the signs and omens from Spirit/Source/God/The Universe, I say with conviction, confidence, and trust, that this step is part of my soul journey.
I’ve spent much of my life trying to do it myself- go it alone- to keep from being a burden on others. Part of this greater shift that is taking place for many of us is away from isolation and “toxic independence” (for lack of a better phrasing in this moment), and into a way of life that forms around community. Community is what creates change. Community is what will set the stage for a new way of life that is balanced in such a way that ALL of Life will thrive and prosper. In my own life, I am shifting away from those old ways of being and aligning myself with the new. Again, part of the new includes asking community for help when help is needed.
At this point in time, I am asking for help with fundraising for surgery. Specifically, I am asking for financial support so that I can have vaginoplasty surgery, otherwise known as: “bottom surgery”, Gender Confirmation/Affirmation Surgery, and a variety of other names. For those unfamiliar, it is the conversion of the penis into a vagina through plastic surgery methods. While this surgery isn’t necessarily part of everyone’s transition story, I’ve come to accept that it is part of mine.
I did not come to this acceptance overnight, and again, it is not a decision that I take lightly. Arriving at this acceptance has in itself been a journey that has unfolded over time and through deep reflection. It has included listening to the depths of my intuition in moments of stillness, tuning in to the authentic messages that come from my body’s wisdom, and acknowledging the signs and omens that have come from Spirit. This journey- and this story- is one that I feel ready to start sharing with others.
One very important part of my reality that I want to call attention to is my privilege. Without my privilege, I would not be here at this moment, having lived through my experiences and being in a place to share them with others. Regarding being transgender: I recognize that I have immense privilege to be transgender and to live my life relatively safely day-to-day. I live in an area where transgender people and the queer community are predominately accepted. I’m privileged to have a PRIDE flag outside my house without any -current- repercussions or harm done to me.
I have been able to access medical care in its various forms (therapy, medical doctors for hormones, laser hair removal) with relative ease that has helped to bring my physical self in alignment with my True Self. I have immense privilege to even be able to take the step towards visibility because of my Trans-Ancestors as well as those who are presently visible- the folks that are part of the fight to bring about rights for the community. Without these individuals doing this work, I would not be who I am today in the place where I am.
I acknowledge that in terms of “passing”, I am able to pass through hormones, laser hair removal, makeup, and from the general brightness that stems from the depth of inner work that I’ve done. The latter of those factors, I recognize that I had privilege to even be able to do my inner work. Passing can both feel affirming and can even be a source of safety. I recognize that I have had immense relief of distress due to being perceived by strangers as a cis-woman. That in itself has kept me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually safe from those who are not supportive- and even harmful towards- the trans community.
I am White. My ancestry is mixed, with a drop of Choctaw and African genetics deep in my ancestral DNA. But predominantly, I am White. That alone has given me a level of privilege that I was not always aware of. Being White, I am generally treated with fairness and respect just for the color of my skin. Having been assigned male at birth (AMAB for those who don’t know [AMAB is a term that in itself has issues, but for sake of simplicity of concept, I’m choosing to use this phrasing/label]), AND being White, I was given far more access to a quality of life compared to folks with other identities. Again, just because of the color of my skin. My biological ancestry has the history and impact of colonialism deep in its roots. I do not take that lightly.
I am privileged to have these identities that provide access, all while I continue to live on the land that was taken from the indigenous communities of Turtle Island- what is now called The United States. Through genocide and horrific abuse, the colonists- that very well may have been in my direct bloodline for all I know- pushed those who lived intimately with the land out of their homes. This abuse of indigenous peoples and their original homes continues today, and I have profited from this in ways that I’m still bringing full attention to. Again, this came about simply by being born into the lineage that my soul chose.
My family did not come from money. In fact, poverty has been a very real part of my family history. My parents sacrificed much to afford what we could. Part of that sacrifice (though it had a harmful edge to it because of the environment) was sending my brother and I to a private college-prep academy from K-12. This provided the opportunity for me to develop my academic-based skills and to pave the way to attending college. Though I myself was not from an affluent background, the majority of my friends that I grew up with were. This allowed for experiences that I would not have had access to had I been overcome by poverty and the ramifications of what that life experience can bring about for people.
I have the privilege to be on a shamanic path. I have had access to the tools, teachers, and relationships that have brought me to where I am today. I live in a current status of society in which I am not being burned at the stake, crucified, or tortured in the many other ways that humanity has conjured in previous generations. I am privileged to be able to explore this path deeply and to share it with others. It is because of the Ancestors and the Helping Spirits that this path was opened up to me to begin with. Through them, it has remained accessible despite the purgation of those who followed an Earth-based way of life at the hands of the European colonizers.
I’m sure that there are so many aspects of privilege that I have, that I still have blinders to. I call into this space my gratitude for those privileges as well, and ask that I can see them clearly as time progresses.
I share all this because I acknowledge what DEEP privilege I have even to be in a position to live my life as I have, and to share my story. I would guess that I’m not the only one with identities similar or identical to my own. Maybe they’re out there, speaking as well. There are many that are silenced. There are many who do not have the privilege I have. So I share all this to honor those who cannot speak. I do this to acknowledge and honor those who have suffered while I heal and thrive. I do this to speak of my gratitude and that I did not do this alone. I do this so that as we take one step closer towards a New Paradigm of our world, founded in love and balance, I can do my part to make that shift a reality.
Thank you for taking the time to read, and I appreciate you being here along for this part of the ride.
© Kalina Crafton- A Shamanic Trans-formation and shamanicallytransformed.com, 2024. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kalina Crafton and shamanicallytransformed.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.