The night before I was to depart from Texas, I could hardly sleep. Unsurprising, as there was a potent blent of excitement matched with nervousness running through me. I had never taken a major step out into the world totally by myself. Even when I went to college, a high school friend of mine- and another classmate- went to the same university. I suppose I wasn’t going to be entirely alone without any connections in Durango whatsoever, since a distant family member of mine lived out there. But I didn’t know him very well as he only visited for the occasional holiday with many years in between visits. I totally understand why though, considering that he lived somewhere as magical as Southwest Colorado and visiting Texas was solely to see family.
But aside from that connection, I didn’t know anyone else out in the area and I was moving by myself. So the nervousness was quite understandable. I woke up very early the next day so that I could make the roughly 13 hour drive in a timely fashion, as I planned to make the trip in a single push. That in itself was another major new experience for me, as I had never driven that long before, let alone in a moving truck. Also a first. I spent a little time that morning chatting with my friend and his family, and felt such a breaking in my heart as I made ready to leave the loving home of the people who had become my family.
After our goodbyes, I loaded the rest of my belongings into the truck along with myself, turned the engine over, and drove out from the driveway. It was only a few minutes before it all hit me and it was time for the annual cry. Yes, I was SO excited to take this step, and there was also so much heartache as I left behind the place and people that held me for my entire life. After some time, the tears dried up and I felt the surge of excitement once more. I was ready to be in Colorado. But not before one last stop: my dad was meeting me along my route to say goodbye.
Being the people that we were, we didn’t often have heartfelt conversations and sharing emotions was certainly not our norm. But having my dad meet me there to say goodbye felt like a gesture with such an abundance of love that the words weren’t needed. As dad’s of his style do, he double-checked my truck and trailer to make sure that everything was secure and that I would have a safe trip- another of his gestures that meant, “I love you. I’ll miss you”. We said our goodbyes and gave one another one last hug, and once again I was on the road.
Driving through Texas progressively shifted from the urban/suburban atmosphere that I had known so well during the first 23 years of my life, to a procession of small town after small town divided by stretches of open fields and agricultural influences. Amarillo was the last major city to pass through in Texas before I would begin to see the landscape that I was longing for.
Finally I had begun to see the beautiful hues that only the deserts of the Southwest can provide. My heart was bouncing with excitement and eagerness. As I made stops along the way to refuel and rest, I would routinely check to make sure the truck and trailer were still as they needed to be. All was well. At least I thought.
Somewhere along the stretch of open highway through New Mexico, a car drove alongside next to me and they held up a piece of paper with some words written on it. It was hard to see at first, but I could finally make out the message in big, bold, capitalized letters:
“YOUR CAR IS SMOKING”
My stomach dropped as my heartrate spiked. “My car is SMOKING??”. Panic set in and I quickly found an exit to pull over to address the situation. I found myself along a stretch of road where I could pull off to the side along with a couple of 18-wheelers. I hopped out of the truck and rushed back to find out what happened. I could immediately smell the strong fumes of burning transmission fluid.
“Oh no…”
The trailer hitch that I rented was the type of setup where it was connected to the two-front wheels while the rear wheels rolled freely. I chose this option because it was about $100 cheaper than the type of trailer where the entire vehicle is mounted. I chose this because of the mentality that I grew up with: Be frugal. Always choose the option that will save you money. This was never overtly stated, but rather came from growing up in a family that often struggled to make ends meet. It wasn’t that the trailer hitch itself that was a bad choice, but was made out of trying to save money, but would end up being far more expensive.
I had no idea that when I rented this option I would have to disconnect the driveshaft of my SUV so that the back wheels could truly roll freely. I’m not a car person, so before that day I didn’t even know what a driveshaft was. A family member who helped me load everything up the day before did their best to help me out without going through the full steps of properly disconnecting the driveshaft. I understand why they were resistant to taking the proper steps, as they– like many folks today- were chronically exhausted from being overworked in their job. They had just gotten off a long shift when they came to help me load the truck and trailer.
The solution they suggested was to shift the car into neutral and lock the shifter into place with various items. Knowing as little as I did about cars, I thought it seemed like a good enough idea and that there wouldn’t be any major consequences. I was very wrong. At some point in the drive the shifter went into Reverse and the wheels engaged. This caused the driveshaft to work overtime and in the wrong direction as the wheels were prepared to roll backwards but the truck forced the wheels to spin in the opposite direction. I burnt out the transmission.
There I was, sitting in the middle of the desert with a broken car and no idea what to do. Thankfully I was in an area that had cell phone service and I got on the phone with my dad to explain the situation. After a long pause I could hear the powerlessness in his voice as he said, “… well that sucks… I wish I was there to help you”. I wished the same. Not even a day into my new life path that I dreamed of being filled with adventure and opportunities to find myself. And here I was feeling like a helpless child wishing that my dad could be there to save me. Part of me thought that this was all just a huge mistake.
“Wishing will get you nowhere. Time to figure it out”, I thought. Explaining enough about the driveshaft and how it was connected, my dad helped me to get more of an understanding of what I needed to do to move forward. I ended up disconnecting the driveshaft and used ratchet straps to tie it to the frame. It wasn’t pretty, and a bigger issue was waiting for me once I arrived in Durango, but it was a good enough solution to get me back on the road.
I hit the road again, and felt the overwhelm of distress and anxiety about what might be waiting on the road ahead. The fiasco with the car put me far behind schedule, and by the time that I was heading towards Colorado, I could no longer see the mountains. The sun had set and night had come. Growing up where I did, street lamps and building lights scattered the landscape and there were few areas that felt truly dark.
In the expanse of desert that I found myself, it was dark. Even with my high beams turned on I felt like I could barely see. I rode the rest of the way with my eyes widened to the size of plates just to try to take in a little bit more light. This very much felt like a symbolic moment of my life and my journey in that time: entering a period of darkness in which I didn’t know what lay ahead of me. And still I moved along mile after mile, moment after moment.
It was a long, long day. With the decreased speed because of the truck and trailer, combined with the added time from the unexpected issue from the car, it took me nearly 18 hours to get from Dallas- Fort Worth to Durango. I felt a sense of relief begin to wash over me as I saw the town’s street lights, illuminated as I drove in from the southern portion that overlooked the town from a high point along highway 550. As I made my way into town, excitement once again took the place of the stress and anxiety that I picked up through my travels, and I couldn’t wait to see what adventures were ahead.
I was moving into a duplex with roommates that I found on Craigslist, and I did so site-unseen, so I had no idea what to expect- including the street layout. I had no idea that the duplex was at the end of a dead-end street with no room for a truck and trailer to turn around. Without that knowledge, I found myself awkwardly parked at the end of the street- panic once again starting to set in. Not because of the challenge of backing up with a truck and trailer- which I had no skill with so that in itself would have posed a challenge. But rather because the type of trailer hitch was a style in which you can cause serious damage to the car if you try to back up.
“Oh no… will today ever end?” I felt like I was so close to being able to put a close to what had become an extremely stressful day. But apparently, not quite yet. I sat there- practically frozen in my uncertainty of how to proceed. It was after midnight and I sat outside my new home trying to think of what I could do. I didn’t know how I would be able to get my car off the trailer without it being able to function. Maybe if the car had still been working I could have easily just backed it up off the trailer and parked it somewhere. But the fact that the driveshaft was hastily strapped to the frame of the car with a burnt out transmission severely complicated things.
I had never met any of my roommates- I only talked to one of them on the phone when I agreed to move in so I didn’t think that waking any of them up at midnight to ask for help was the best introduction. Especially because one of my personal challenges has been feeling like I’m an inconvenience or burden to others. To wake someone up in the middle of the night that I had never met to ask for help was wayyyy outside of my realm of comfort. With the levels of exhaustion I felt from such a long day combined with those internal struggles, I stayed stuck in that moment of paralysis.
Suddenly, I saw someone from a neighboring house walking towards one of the mailboxes near my new home. I hopped out of the truck and rushed over to him. He had a pretty laid back presence and after introducing myself, I could begin to feel his kindness. I explained my situation as best as I could and eventually found myself taking a very bold step for me at the time: I asked for help.
He obliged and did his best in helping out with a weird situation. Working together, we eventually got my car rolled off the trailer and parked close enough to the curb. With the car unloaded, I was finally able to maneuver the truck into a different position where I could park it and start to unload a few of my basic necessities. I didn’t have a mattress at the time, so I took my cushiony workout pad with a few blankets inside with me and made my way up into my new room to lay down to sleep. Exhausted and burnt out from what was a very chaotic day, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
I woke the next day and reached out to my family member that lived nearby, as he had reached out to me the day before asking me to give him a heads up when I was in town. He came over later that morning and after some chit-chat, he helped me to get a few more of the things in the truck unloaded. I explained the car situation to him and being the mechanically-informed person he was, he offered to help me with getting the SUV running again. What a blessing. I’m really grateful that I had his help at that point in time. Without him, I don’t know what I would have done.
The process for getting the SUV running again would happen over the course of a few months- it wouldn’t be until November that it would be mobile again. We first tried to take on the job ourselves after we bought a used transmission from a local scrapyard. After a number of days spread out over a few weeks of trying to get it setup, we eventually threw in the towel and took it to a shop. But at one point in those efforts, I recall a particular moment that I had with him.
In the midst of our time trying to install the new transmission, he at one point referred to the transmission as, “Caitlyn”. I paused, confused as to what he meant. I asked for clarification. What he was saying was something to the effect of, “Caitlyn, as in ‘tranny’”- which is sometimes used as a term for a transmission. He was making a joke about Caitlyn Jenner, the person that had just come out as transgender earlier that summer. I fake laughed as I had learned to do in situations in which I was supposed to laugh to fit in. But deep inside I imagine that the parts of myself hidden away were thinking, “not safe here either…”
Until my car was fixed, I thankfully had my motorcycle and my bicycle to get around. But these weren’t very helpful when it came to traveling during thunderstorms. These were quite common at that time considering that we were at the tail end of monsoon season- a period of time in Colorado in which it typically rains at the same time of day every day due to weather patterns in that region. I was really trying to put myself out there and make friends and get involved with things that were happening. One of my roommates at the time did stand-up comedy and they invited me to their show. I was happy to go but there was a heavy downpour of rain that night. They left early so I wasn’t able to go with them, and so I asked one of my other roommates to borrow their car.
They let me do so and I made my way into the downtown area of Durango- an area that I was pretty unfamiliar with since I didn’t have much need to go down there at the time, and it was some distance away. Driving along the neighborhood roads, I could barely see due to the heavy rains and the fact that it was night. Yes, there were street lamps, but they were only so effective- especially because they weren’t the brightest bulbs. I was almost to an area where I could park, and so I made to turn right onto the next street. All of a sudden I felt a massive thud and the back right side of the car dropped down abruptly.
“What. Just. Happened…”. I got out and could hear a high-pitched hissing coming from the back of the car. “Snake?… oh… oh no…” The back right tire had a massive gash on the inside of the wheel and air rapidly escaped. I looked at where I had just driven and saw a mangled metal drain pipe sticking out from the edge of the curb where I had turned. It is something that I would have been able to clearly see during the day, but because it was night I couldn’t see it whatsoever. Well, at least this wasn’t my fault, but rather the result of city planning likely not keeping this part of the road up to code. Or at least that was my take on the situation. Either way, that didn’t resolve the situation at hand.
I had just successfully destroyed my new roommate’s tire. I called him to explain the situation and I could feel his frustration and anger- which was likely more intense than if we had been friends, considering I had barely known him for more than a few weeks. Man… I wasn’t having a great start to things here… He arrived and we got the spare put on the car and got it back home. In the coming days we would go to a tire shop to get it replaced. To replace the one tire, it would cost me ~$250. That was a big hit for me at the time considering I had just moved and I wasn’t getting paid much yet. But I didn’t have any options really as I needed to honor the fact that it was my responsibility to replace the tire after being the one behind the wheel.
That situation certainly caused disruption in the dynamic between that roommate and I, and I was now likely seen as being a careless and untrustworthy person with someone else’s belongings, despite the fact that it was an accident. I started to a feel a tension in the house.
Another roommate of mine was also a yoga instructor and spent time doing her morning flow in the living room. Because my room’s ceiling was too low and I couldn’t stretch my arms above my head without my palms hitting the ceiling, I too began to spend time doing my morning yoga routine in the living room.
We failed to communicate the need to share space, and I think I unintentionally started to encroach upon her flow time. Combined with what might have been personality clashes- despite trying my best to build relationship and connection- there was a felt awkwardness and tension in our interactions. It didn’t take long before that too became a strained situation. I don’t recall how this came to be, but eventually things built to the point where during one interaction she exploded, saying, “I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!”…
“Why is this happening…? What am I doing wrong…?” I didn’t understand why I felt so out of place and why moments like this just kept happening. Eventually she came back around and apologized, blaming her explosion on a variety of life stressors including her program she was studying for and tension in her romantic relationship, but I felt as though those were just to cover up the fact that she felt bad for letting her truth out in that way. I accepted her apology and tried to do my best to be cordial, but things never felt okay after that.
I was beginning to feel like I didn’t fit in and started to really struggle with feelings of loneliness. But I tried to remain positive that it would just take time and that I would find my place. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was living behind a mask in which I had never done any true growth. I was a very superficial individual in the sense that I didn’t bring my authentic self to the foreground- and the mask that I lived through was probably more abrasive or even uncomfortable to be around than I ever realized. Especially because I had no idea that was my reality.
In addition to all the chaos that was happening with roommates, and the various vehicle dynamics, my employment situation wasn’t going quite like I had hoped. People move to Durango for a reason: the outdoors. The last place that people are likely to be found in the summer months as well as those of early fall, would be indoor settings. That certainly included the gym that I had just started working at. To help me out financially while I waited for potential clients looking for personal training, I taught a few yoga and fitness classes- much like I had done while I was working at the climbing gym in Texas.
In addition to teaching those classes, I also spent time maintaining the cleanliness of the space, like that of the locker rooms and the fitness floor- wiping down various machines, discarding trash, cleaning the bathrooms, sweeping the floors, and folding towels. Which was exactly what my job was when I worked at the rec center at my university while I was in school. In many ways I felt like I was going through the moments of a past version of myself.
After everything I had been through, how in the world had I wound up doing exactly what I was doing in college before I had my degree? And now I was without a functioning car and living in a place where the cost of living was much higher and I had no friends. The feeling that came from reflecting on my circumstances was awful. Not only that, but I felt so constrained being in the gym that barely had any windows, while the Colorado sunshine shone brightly for most of my shift- only to begin darkening by the time I was getting off work. “This isn’t why I moved out here… this isn’t what things were supposed to look like…”
Still, I was in a position where I had a couple of days off a week and could use those to start seeing the natural spaces that surrounded the town. Despite not having a functional car at that time, I still had my bicycle and my motorcycle. Using those means, I was able to get around town to some of the local hiking spots, and also took a number of leisurely rides on my motorcycle simply for the sake of feeling the wind rush past me as I rode through gorgeous terrain.
Thankfully, this gave me the chance to explore some of the mountain hikes north of town. One of the first mountains that I had hiked was Engineer Mountain- just shy of 13,000’- that was near the Purgatory Ski Resort. The first time I tried to summit I had to turn around due to the afternoon rains and thunderstorms.
Not long after that I made my way out again much earlier in the day, so early that it was unexpectedly cold as I ascended in elevation as I made my way towards the trailhead. It was very cold and I didn’t have winter gloves, so my reaction time with being able to brake was affected. “Not ideal but I’m sure I’ll be fine”. All of a sudden I saw a couple of bighorn sheep on the side of the road. I was so excited! I had never seen any in the wild before and I’m someone that gets very excited when I see animals (when I was little I wanted to be a zookeeper because I loved animals that much).
I didn’t have much time to soak in the moment as the sheep made their way onto the road just ahead of me. I tried to slow down as I pulled back on the brake lever, but because of the slow reactivity of a very cold hand, I wasn’t braking fast enough. Quickly, my skills that I had learned in my rider safety course kicked in and I pressed my hand down on the right handlebar which directed the front wheel to sharply steer just behind the rump of the sheep. Had I wanted to, I could have reached my left hand out to touch them if I had wanted. Had I not reacted in the way and timing that I did, I would have hit the side flank of the sheep and gone over my handlebars.
“Is anything going to go right??”
But at least nothing had happened, despite what a close call that was. Maybe someone or something was looking out for me, as I had never had to use that skill before and hadn’t really spent time practicing it. A few short minutes later I found myself at the trailhead. Getting a much earlier start than I did before, I was able to get to the summit of Engineer before the afternoon storms came. The first mountain peak that I had ever made it to. Sitting atop Engineer, overlooking the area in which countless other mountaintops scattered across the landscape, I thought to myself, “this is why I’m here. Everything else makes moments like these worth it”.
After my hike I made my way back home. As I turned down the street, I saw at its end something that I did not expect to see, but when I did, I felt overjoyed to witness. I saw a small herd of deer- but this kind looked rather different than the kinds I had seen before. In Texas there are white-tailed deer, which I was accustomed to seeing. These however were mule deer, which I had never seen in person or had even seen photos of- but they looked somehow familiar.
Then it dawned on me: this is the deer that I saw in my meditative visionary state during my yoga teacher training. Characteristically, the mule deer and white tail are different in a variety of ways- including the size and shape of their ears and the structure of their antlers- but what really gave me the insight that this was the deer from that vision was the feeling that came from being in their presence. This moment- especially in the midst of so much challenge from adjusting to my relocation- felt like it was a sign that said, “you’re on the right path. This is where you need to be. You’ll be okay”. In spite of all the struggle, I felt a sense of peace wash over me in that moment.
As I got more familiarized with the town, I discovered that there were a number of trails that were accessible by bicycle that would give me the time and space for a decent trek into natural spaces. One of the hikes that I frequented was that of Animas City Mountain- a popular hike that had a variety of paths to take that allowed for ample exploring. One of those trails led me to an overlook point that gave a beautiful view from that looked down upon the northeast portion of town. One evening, I sat there upon the sandstone, gazing in admiration of this place that held so much beauty and possibility for my life- despite the challenges that I had endured thus far.
As I sat there pondering, I turned around and something caught my eye: a metal can that looked quite rusted. Curious, I pulled it out from where it sat, popped open the lid, and looked at its contents: a pair of sunglasses and a note that read, “Take a look at things with a new perspective… P.S. Take care of the shades, please. They’ve been through a lot!” Signed, Dioptric 75 and Beans. What an exciting find! I didn’t know it at the time but I had stumbled upon a geocache site!
Something about that unexpected find, as well as the message of encouragement that came with it made a world of difference for me. Things had obviously been rough starting off. But at any point in time I could look at my situation differently. It would take time and practice, but that message and skill- the ability to reframe our perspective on a situation or experience- would become life-changing. I could choose to focus and dwell negatively on all the things that weren’t working or that felt difficult, or I could choose to take this in as lessons for growth and learning.
Some months later I would return to that spot and leave a notepad for others to write in. I left a message that said, “To my fellow explorers, keep seeking adventure, in every aspect of life. Fuel your curiosity and your desire to tread the unknown. Continue to travel off the beaten path, where no one has gone before. It may be true that I do not know you, but it is my sincerest dream and deepest desire that you reach your greatest potential in this life, and that it is an extraordinary life. Breathe it in, and enjoy every moment”. The journey into the unknown and traveling off the beaten path would become a major theme for my life- even today.
More and more I found myself bearing witness to moments that felt like signs- omens- moments of reassurance from something greater than myself that I was being held and supported in my journey through life. This felt extremely encouraging to me as I began to take more steps to exploring what spirituality meant for me and tried to learn just by being in it.
I didn’t have language for it, but there was a part of me that felt like I was spiritually connected to the Earth and to Nature. Being out amongst the sage, the pinyon pine, the ponderosas, the juniper, the cactus, the boulders, the Animas River, the mountains, and all the other nature-beings, I began to feel a quiet resonance with them in a way I had never felt before. Connection. But still, it felt like there was a wall between myself and these moments to where I could see and feel, but still not clearly. Still not fully. But still, it was something more than what I had known before.
Having found so much connection to the meditations from my yoga training, I began to explore various guided meditations, including those of connecting with spirit guides. Somewhere along my life- as many of us likely do at some point- I came across the concept of spirit guides, and wanted to know more about this. Routinely, I felt the presence of Deer in these meditations, and this continued to feel affirming to this path in my life, especially as they reflected more of the in-person moments of witnessing them in physical reality.
I didn’t have a particular spiritual path that I followed, but I began to be more open to the concept of God and to a relationship with them. Growing up in a Christian environment, I struggled to disconnect my conditioned brain from the concept of “the big guy upstairs”- that God was a masculine entity that looked down upon his creation from the heavens. But still, I did my best to start to rewire the associations that I had with concepts of divinity to allow for a new understanding to come through. Reflecting back on where I was nearly a year before that time, I saw that I was really putting myself in that place of learning about spirituality from just living my life and finding my own truth.
In addition to that, I spent time trying to expand my understanding of yoga as a spiritual path- what it truly was beyond the asana-focused classes that I had previously thought that yoga was limited to. In order to get out of the house some, I would bike down to a local coffee shop and spend my time studying from the various notes that I brought with me from my yoga teacher training as well as other resources. Typically, I kept my headphones in to drown out any background noise in order to help me concentrate. But one day, for whatever reason I decided to leave my headphones out. That one seemingly simple choice would be monumentally impactful on my life- even life changing…
© Kalina Crafton- A Shamanic Trans-formation and shamanicallytransformed.com, 2024. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kalina Crafton and shamanicallytransformed.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.