A person does not choose to be a shaman. Rather, the shaman is chosen. It is not a role that a person would often willingly choose as it is a painful path that typically leads an individual through a lifetime of initiations. Through these initiations a person routinely experiences the cycle of life, death, and rebirth- all within the same lifetime. It is allowing oneself to die- symbolically and even literally in instances of near death experiences- that an individual can shed their egos to understand what it means to be a vessel for Spirit. It is in becoming the “hollow bone” that the shaman can hold the energies of Spirit and allow them to flow through to the physical plane.
The shaman does not heal. They hold space for others, channeling the healing energies of Source that bring forth a cure which then allows a person to heal themselves. These helping spirits are compassionate, benevolent beings from the spiritual realm that have chosen to work in partnership with the shaman in order to bring forth healing energies to the realm of physical matter.
The shaman does not assign to themselves the title of shaman, for doing so insinuates a boasting of power. This deeply sacred and special power can- and will- be taken away if the one who holds it uses it to boost their own ego. Simply put: Ego can get in the way. Ego complicates and impedes the purity of Source and the healing that can come from such an energy. However, to be human is to have ego, for that ego helps us to navigate the human experience. That is part of why the calling to fill the role of the shaman is such an undertaking, and why someone would not willingly choose it unless they were in fact chosen by Spirit. It can be a painful process to go through initiatory trials that teach a person to surrender their ego and allow themselves to be filled by Spirit. And it is through embracing these trials and surrendering our sense of self that we can remember who we truly are: We are Source. We are Spirit.
For those who are called on by Spirit for this role, the trials are certainly painful in their own ways. Whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, or all of the above, there is some degree of pain. This pain encourages surrender– letting go. In letting go of our ego and the layers that come with it, we tap into the deeper version of ourselves that is Source energy. In that, we shine brightly in our essence. What can be even more painful than the trials themselves are the times in which the voice of Spirit is ignored, disregarded, or even directly refused. For me, that’s where some of the greatest pains in my life have come from.
In reading all of this, I ask you to pause and notice what it is you are feeling or thinking at this moment? Do you feel a resonance, understanding, curiosity, or intrigue? If so, where do you feel that in your body? Do you feel rejection, judgment, criticism, or even concern? If so, where do you feel that in your body? Learning to listen to our bodies is such a necessary skill to being able to understand what is happening beyond our conditioned mind. Contrary to what we might initially believe, our bodies do not house our spirits. Rather, our bodies are housed within our spirits- our energetic bodies. Cues from the physical body at times are parts of Self or parts of our spirit calling out to us to grab our attention. Afterall, everything first manifests in the realm of spirit and is then made physical in the realm of matter. When we tune into these physical responses from the body, slow down, and listen, we can arrive at profound insights and guidance sent directly from our soul-self.
These concepts and realities are not new to humankind. The understanding that our realities go beyond the physical realm of matter have been part of the human experiences for tens of thousands of years. Similarly, the role of a community member that serves as a shaman or similar role has also been around for tens of thousands of years. All of this is nothing new. We have simply forgotten- or rather been made to forget- the reality of this part of the human experience.
For those folks who have a hard time accepting or relating to all of this, that is okay and I can absolutely understand where you’re coming from. I myself grappled with acceptance of this path and these truths for a number of years. It has taken substantial time for me to quiet the voices of doubt that have stemmed from cultural conditioning and colonization, and to allow myself to embrace my insights that have come from direct revelation– which is the open line of communication that takes place directly between ourselves and Source/Spirit/God/The Universe.
Direct revelation can come from a variety of avenues. Some of these include prayer, random visionary states, divination like through that of card decks, signs and omens, synchronicities, and more. A specific technique that is used by a shaman, shamanic practitioner, or someone on the shamanic path is that of the shamanic journey. The shamanic journey- simply put- is a technique used to enter into a trance state with the intention of communicating with the spirit world. This trance state can be accessed through a variety of means, some of which include drumming, the use of a rattle, dancing, plant medicines, and more. As a technique, the shamanic journey can be utilized to find answers, information, healing, wisdom, knowledge as well as guidance or help with one’s personal life and on behalf of the community at large.
One key difference between a shamanic journey and a random visionary state is intention. A random visionary state can bring powerful insights from Spirit, but without an intention, we may be unclear as to the meaning of the message at that particular time in our life. It is through holding a firm intention while entering into a trance state that a shaman, practitioner, or person on a shamanic path can access powerful insights or facilitate spaces of healing on behalf of a person, community, or place. It is a safe and common practice for someone journeying to merge their energy with that of a personal helping spirit in order to safely navigate the spiritual realms.
Though I did not recognize it at the time, I believe that one of my first times undertaking a shamanic journey actually took place during one of the guided meditations of my yoga teacher training.
Prior to my 200hr Yoga Teacher Training, I had been part of the realms of wellness that focused predominantly on the body and the mind. Those perspectives carried through into my teacher training as well, and what I was open to learning centered heavily on the physical practice of asanas– the poses themselves. In tandem with the physical practice, I considered how the physical practices could benefit the mind and the mental aspect of the Self.
With that, my yoga training incorporated lessons of the energetic Self, which included lessons about the chakra system (for those unfamiliar, here is a beginner-friendly resource for learning about chakras: https://www.yogajournal.com/practice/yoga-sequences-level/beginners-guide-chakras/). To that version of myself at the time, I did not take these concepts seriously. I myself had been conditioned so much to negate anything outside of Western rationality that I viewed the concepts of energy as symbolic rather than literal- especially if it related to energy within ourselves. Truthfully, I regret that I was not more open to these lessons at the time, as I believe that in having a subtle curiosity, I might have started to see the worlds outside of the physical much sooner. Still, I give myself patience and compassion for doing my best at the time.
Part of the teacher training included guided meditations- something I did not have exposure to previously. Routinely, these guided meditations were set to some type of ambient background music that assisted myself and my classmates into states of relaxation to experience a sense of openness to the prompts of the meditation. Through my training, I had my first opportunities to experience and understand the power of meditation, focused intention, and sound frequencies. Years later, I would learn more about the power of brainwave patterns elicited by sound/music/etc. and how these would be integral to expanded states of consciousness and awareness.
For those unfamiliar, the 5 primary brainwave states are gamma, beta, alpha, theta, and delta. Gamma ranges from 30-100hz (cycles/second) and is correlated with peak perception and function. Beta ranges from 16-30 hz and is associated with focus, alertness, and being energized. Alpha ranges from 8-15 hz and is associated with metacognition, learning, and reflection. Theta is 4-7 hz and elicits creativity, ideation, and relaxation. Delta ranges from 0.1-3 hz and promotes sleep, deep rest, and regeneration.
In recent years, neuroscientists have studied the brainwave frequencies of those who undergo deep meditations and those who engage in trance-like states, such as that of a shaman or practitioner, as well as those who might center their lifestyle around meditation. Through these studies, they have found that in a trance-like state, an individual operates in the Theta range of 4-7 hz. It is through the use of rhythmic drumming, percussion, movement, breathwork, music, etc. that a shaman or practitioner is able to elicit this specific brainwave pattern in order to connect to trance-like states. Through this state of consciousness combined with focused intention, one can directly access the spiritual realm through their expanded awareness. We are always connected to Spirit- but the difference is whether we are aware or not.
Holding intention in a journey or meditation is a very fine line between too tight and too loose. Almost as if a person were safely holding a butterfly in their hands- too loose and it’ll fly away before you reach the intended destination to release them. Too tight, and you risk bringing harm to the tender butterfly. Holding intention ensures focus and being able to receive the information, insights, or healing that is the purpose of the journey. However, if you concentrate too hard or remain too firm or rigid, you may shift out of the state of openness that allows for receiving guidance from Spirit.
Neurologically, this may be likened to shifting brainwave patterns as well. Too much mental activity from over-concentration can shift the brain out of a theta state and into an alpha or even beta state. Too little concentration, and the brain might slip into too relaxed of a state and dip into the delta state where someone may fall asleep. The shamanic journey is a powerful method that can bring about profound change in one’s life. Like any skill, it takes practice to effectively balance these brainwave states and the techniques associated with journeying. Beyond the neurological states, it also takes practice to quiet the doubtful parts of the Self that are skeptical and ask questions like, “what if I am making this up? What if what I’m seeing/sensing/hearing isn’t actually happening? What if… what if… what if…”
One particular guided meditation in my yoga teacher training was more pertinent and powerful compared to the others. The intention offered to my classmates and me by the meditation facilitator was to travel to various “pools” of water that were associated with our chakra systems, and to spend time balancing the energies of these pools to encourage our energy to flow freely through us. At the onset of the meditation, we were prompted to envision a glowing orb of light from which a helping figure would lead us through our chakra balancing.
As prompted, I could clearly see the glowing orb, as well as the outline of a figure that steadily began to take shape. Little by little, the silhouette of a figure began to emerge, and I was quite surprised by who showed up: Deer. More specifically, a fawn! I can still recall how vibrant they were, and how clearly I could see their white spots that speckled their sides. I remember feeling their presence as gentle, while sensing their wisdom and ability to guide me through the meditation. After the fawn appeared, something happened that was unprompted by my yoga teacher and that took me by surprise: I saw myself as Wolf, and I had a black coat of fur. Prior to this, I did not have much connection with Wolf. Their presence itself, let alone seeing myself as Wolf, came as a surprise to which I had no explanation.
Years later, I would learn that in shamanic traditions, it is recognized that we are all born with one or more guides/helping spirits/compassionate energies/etc. that choose to support us in our Earth walk- our journey through this physical existence. Throughout our life journey, we may also be approached by teachers and helpers that spend a bit of time with us, but will inevitably depart when their work with us is complete. Though there are some that stay with us from our first breath until our last- and even across lifetimes. Unbeknownst to me at the time, Wolf was- and continues to be- one of my lifelong helpers.
Walking through this meditation as Wolf, guided by the fawn, I was led to various pools of water that shone and glistened so brightly. Spending time in these pools, attending to their needs for balance, I could feel pieces of myself and my physical body open up in ways that I had not experienced before that time. This entire experience is one that felt unreal, unfamiliar, and completely new to me in a way that felt as though my eyes to the world and its possibilities were opening. Towards the end of the meditation, I could sense the fawn’s energy as an older version of itself. Though it was not a clear visual and felt somewhat hazy, I recall seeing their antlers as large and magnificent- and this Deer was not like the white-tailed deer that I was accustomed to seeing growing up in Texas. A few months later, I would have an “aha!” moment that clicked into place the understanding of what I saw from the matured deer.
A major part of shamanic journeys and direct revelation is understanding that Spirit speaks to us differently than our everyday human language- and those differences include verbal and nonverbal communication. It is common for messages to come to us as metaphors, and metaphors may require interpretation in order to come to a full understanding of its meaning. Another major consideration that is important to emphasize: We ourselves must interpret the symbols of a journey, vision, or meditation.
The path of direct revelation is also one of self-empowerment. Many of us have grown up in systems that have a central figure that interprets messages for us. For example, a reverend, pastor, or priest that speaks for a church congregation. Through direct revelation, speaking with Source directly, interpreting these messages for ourselves, and asking the Self for confirmation that our interpretation is correct, we step into our power. It is in stepping into our individual sense of power that we can support ourselves, our families, our communities, the natural environment, and the planet as a whole.
As I have said before, the shaman or shamanic practitioner does not heal. They hold space- becoming a presence of healing- so that others might heal themselves. It is through this that the person seeking the healing may step into a sense of self-empowerment, which in turn uplifts the Web of Life as we all progress towards wholeness.
After the guided meditation ended, each of us students took time to journal about and reflect upon our experiences. As it relates to my own experience, interpreting this for myself was a step into new territory, as I have often been someone to give away my power or to first seek answers from others due to doubting my own abilities or insights. Being prompted to explore this and interpret it for myself was a step in the direction of my own self-empowerment and trust in myself.
For me, I interpreted my transformation into Wolf as some association with a soulful aspect of Self. In order to explore the energetic space of the meditation safely, that soul aspect took on the form of Wolf. As for the presence of Deer, this to me felt affirmative that I was following along my soul’s path and was where I needed to be. This felt especially resonant since just months prior I had that powerful morning walk in the midst of Deer that prompted me to pursue a life of intention that was rooted in the healing power of Nature. Considering their initial presence was in the form of a fawn, my interpretation of this was that it represented that I was just beginning on this path. Should I continue to trust in the messages, signs, and directions from the realm of spirit, I would continue to grow and mature- as indicated by the presence of the mature Deer with large antlers.
Throughout the rest of my teacher training I did not have any meditations that were quite as profound as that one. But it was an integral step along my path of growing my connection to Spirit and to my beliefs of energy in a spiritual capacity. In addition to my yoga teacher training, I began to explore my relationship with energy through my use of Cannabis. Every so often, I would smoke and do some of the asanas that I was learning in my teacher training, followed by periods of listening to music in an intentional and meditative way. However, it was not uncommon for me to be overwhelmed by this surge of energy from the medicine combined with intentional breathing. I was not used to being able to hold such energy in my body and I would often become light-headed or felt on the verge of passing out if I didn’t immediately lay down. But laying down and giving in to stillness and the power of the medicine was integral to healing. In these spaces I began to learn how to breathe into physical stillness while allowing my energy to flow and move with the vibrations of the music.
Those moments with Cannabis felt incredibly healing for me because though I was not presently aware of it, I constantly held tension in my body. It wasn’t until coming out as transgender years later that I would understand that some of this tension was from the unconscious discomfort of being in a body and version of myself that did not feel congruent with my True Self. So to be able to begin addressing that tension in the best way that I knew how at the time was profoundly healing at that stage in my journey.
Around the time that I was in my yoga teacher training and exploring the medicinal relationship with Cannabis, a very unexpected event took place in the realm of pop culture. In April 2015, Caitlyn Jenner introduced herself to the world. For those unfamiliar, Caitlyn was born Bruce Jenner and was the spouse of Kris Kardashian- the mom of the Kardashians. I myself didn’t follow the show, the family, or anything related to them. However, I was familiar with Bruce Jenner because of his time as an olympic athlete as a track and field decathlete (in college I tried to train to be a decathlete but it was too much for me).
For me, this was a major exposure to anything or anyone trans-related since the realization of my own feelings in 2010. Deep within I could hear the whispers of a thought, “if she could do it, maybe I can too…” but the whisper was quickly hushed by the dominant voice of Fear, and it wasn’t long before the possibility was pushed back into the dark pit that I kept that part of Self. It didn’t help either that my sense of safety to do so was affected by the fact that my friend’s family that I was living with at the time had a negative association with trans people due to their own beliefs that were largely influenced by religious teachings.
My friend’s sister left home and Texas as a whole and moved in with her partner that she met online. Her partner was a transgender man and the family did not approve. My friend’s mother at least tried to be tolerant in the presence of the partner, but away from him she vocalized her disapproval and discomfort of his identity. My friend’s dad has yet to meet the partner (since I last heard), almost a decade later and invalidated that person’s identity and the relationship by saying, “my daughter is a lesbian”, to which he also disapproved of. I recall them saying things along the lines of, “my daughter is going to Hell” all because she allowed herself to love who she loved. She was one of the few people in my life at the time that chose such bravery- and for that I commend her.
My friend and his family were people that I had known since I was 7, and for much of my life, they felt like a safe place where I felt like I was at home. Hearing their disapproval of their daughter’s partner and his transgender identity communicated to those shut-away parts of myself: “it’s not safe… I’ll be rejected… I won’t be loved… it’s better to keep a lid on things and keep going as I am”. So once again, I pushed myself down into the deepest pits of my consciousness to where the voice of Self couldn’t have a chance to speak.
At that time in my life I really struggled with loneliness- but on the outside a person probably couldn’t tell. There were many nights where I felt the suffocating grips of this loneliness and longing for companionship that it nearly brought me to tears. But no tears ever came. Due to my emotional blunting that came from self-repression and years of telling myself, “guys aren’t supposed to cry”, I typically only found myself having an annual cry. And in those annual cries, often triggered by some major event, all the stuffed emotions would come out at once.
The longing to be in a partnership, the longing to be loved, and even just the longing to be touched- even in a non-sexual way- was monumental. I longed for that comfort and connection. I even recall the time that the gentle touch from a yoga teacher as they offered a postural adjustment brought to the surface all my pain that came from longing for touch. This yearning for companionship led me to start dating someone from the climbing gym that I was also in the teacher training with- and admittedly I shouldn’t have started dating this person. Not because of anything that was wrong with them or anything that they did, but rather because I wasn’t in a grounded place or sense of self to enter into a committed relationship.
I was still struggling to heal from the wounds of the relationship that I had in college- which would actually continue to be a theme for many years. Due to the ways I was treated in that relationship I had a huge number of walls up that arose to keep me safe and to keep me guarded. These walls were reflective of the Parts that emerged as a way to protect me from future harm. Prior to the college relationship I was much more open and ready to be vulnerable with people and potential partners. I held much less emphasis on body-type and appearance, personal hobbies/interests, or things like life goals/career pursuits.
But due to the mental and emotional damage that came from the dynamics of that relationship, I had a list of “ideal qualities/characteristics of a partner” that emerged as a form of self-protection. But I would never admit that to myself at the time. I would have instead framed it to myself as, “my standards have changed”.
The person that I started dating checked off a lot of the boxes for the list of standards I had mentally created. Some of those boxes were things like: she was into yoga, fitness, climbing, camping, was previously a dancer in college, was formerly a hair stylist (I could get free haircuts which was a nice), etc. She was objectively pretty and had an athletic body type, of which I had shifted to prioritizing a lot more due to the internal unconscious sense of “this will keep me safe”. I know that there were more, but nearly a decade later I have a hard time remembering everything that was “ideal” about her. But still- I felt lonely and empty in the relationship because there was no emotional connection and I still carried the wounds of the past relationship.
Those wounds showed up as blaming my past relationship on why I couldn’t feel close or trusting of anyone, while at the same time still wanting to be in connection with that person. The wounds were deep, y’all. And still, I stunted my healing because I failed to take ownership of what I allowed myself to experience. Blame-shifting in itself was a massive pattern of behavior that would seep into other areas of my life over the coming years.
As it pertains to the person that I dated at the climbing gym, it was an odd experience being in a committed relationship while having no emotional connection or attunement. I could feel the walls, I could feel the emptiness, even though there was someone right there by my side. At one point she called me out- and HARD. She said, “you don’t even like me. I just fill some checkboxes that you have on a list of your ideal partner”. Spot on. But I didn’t have the maturity or fortitude to take ownership of that reality. So I lied. I said, “no that’s not it at all. I really do like you”. Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t long before we broke up- the relationship itself only lasted about 2 months. After a misunderstanding, she ended things and I truthfully didn’t feel impacted by it- outside of feeling some confusion due to the misunderstanding that brought about the breakup.
However, when I later approached her to say, “sorry things didn’t work out, maybe we can still be friends” her response was, “you shouldn’t be here trying to be my friend. You should be here trying to win me back”. This could have been an opportunity for me to embrace the direction that things had already gone and to remain steadfast in what felt right. But for whatever reason I fell back into the pattern of allowing myself to be swayed by the influence of someone else to such a significant degree that we started dating again, but without a committed title.
Why did I keep allowing myself to do this? Because I didn’t know how to listen to myself. The practice of hearing, accepting, and acting from that place of inner knowing continues to be something that I am presently working to improve upon. It is certainly a challenge at times, because it requires so much. But it is truly integral to being in our authenticity and to stand in our truth. Back then, I was taking steps towards listening to myself, but it was a muscle I hadn’t spent much time developing and so I relented to what she wanted.
Fast forward to the end of my yoga teacher training when I started to work as a yoga instructor at the climbing gym, which I particularly enjoyed. Everything was going along well enough. I enjoyed my time with friends and my new role as a yoga instructor. I wasn’t thrilled about my role working at Starbucks, but it was getting me by. And my time casually dating that person was so-so. My routine and the avenues I found myself pursuing were all fine, but still, there was something in me that felt empty and disconnected. It’s as if I had fallen into a pit of complacency and shifted into cruise control again. And in all of it, there remained a subtle emptiness that I could never seem to fill.
One night I decided to spend time with Cannabis and smoked a bowl to relax for the evening. I found myself taking a long shower to help me relax after a long day in which I had likely zoomed about as I had normally found myself doing at that time. The persistent emptiness that I struggled to navigate was at times soothed by sensory experiences like that of a hot shower. While there, the medicine of Cannabis worked with me and led my mind into a space of reflection. I could clearly see in that moment: “I’m doing it again”. I realized that I had allowed myself to fall into a state of accepting something that was, “decent enough” but that did not continue me on my journey to feeling more connected to myself and life itself.
It was at that moment that I reflected on my resources and what I could do to continue to move forward. I thought to myself, “I have a degree, I have experience in the world of fitness, and I have all these certifications. Even if it’s not what I do forever or even for a long period of time, I should use what I have to get me where I want to be”. The next day I started looking for jobs in Colorado to work as some type of fitness trainer, whether it be sport-performance related or focused around personal training.
As I looked through the few jobs that seemed like I could qualify for that were in places I might find interesting, I came across one posting in particular that was for a personal training job in Durango, Colorado. A little mountain town nestled in the Southwest corner of Colorado, Durango just so happened to be the same place as the wilderness therapy program that I wanted to work at! I quickly applied for the position and it was not long before I had gotten a response. They were certainly interested in offering me an interview, but they wanted to conduct an interview in-person so that they could see my hands-on skills as a personal trainer through that of an experiential interview.
I took them up on their offer and trusted that I would be able to figure out a way to get out there. At that time, my step-father and I both had motorcycles, and after sharing the news about my interview opportunity we found ourselves planning to take a trip out there together on our bikes. Never before had I taken such a long trip on my motorcycle, and I felt grateful that I had the chance to take the trip with someone that I cared about and that cared deeply for me.
The journey led us from North Texas through the state’s panhandle and into the central strip of New Mexico. Never before had I seen something so breathtaking as the expanse of desert terrain and rock formations that marked the stretch of land through that strip of New Mexico. To have had that experience on a motorcycle, where you can feel the wind and the sun while absorbing the smells of the desert landscape, was a powerfully immersive moment and introduction to a land that I would soon come to love.
After passing through Albuquerque and turning north towards Colorado, you begin to see the beautiful mountains of the southern portion of the Rocky Mountains. Driving towards those mountains brings nothing short of inspiration and a heartfelt yearning to be in them and to connect with them- while also being able to witness their magnitude in a way that demands respect.
Eventually, we arrived in Durango where I had an immediate moment of a felt experience that I had never known before: “this is home. This is where I need to be”. I could feel it coming from deep within myself. From the quaintness of the small-town feel that I had never known, to the fact that it was surrounded on all sides by terrain that reflected the beauty of the area- the blend where desert meets mountains- I felt like I belonged there despite the fact that it was like no where I had ever been. It’s as if the spirit of Durango itself was telling me, “you need to be here”.
With my interviews coming up I felt a blend of confidence, excitement, and pressure. The pressure came from the belief that, “I can’t afford to fail. There’s no way I can’t get this job. I don’t know what I’ll do if this isn’t my next step”. The interviews took place over the next couple of days in a series of different focuses. After every interview I felt the sense that things were going exactly as they needed to and that I was going to land the job for sure. The pressure started to relieve which gave me the opportunity to actually enjoy some of the trip outside of the interview experiences.
With that, my step-dad and I had the time to take our motorcycles up north one day and we had the opportunity to ride along a stretch of highway that is highly popular amongst those in the motorcycle community: The Million Dollar Highway. It was the stretch from Durango to Silverton, and then Silverton to Ouray. This ride was an absolutely breathtaking experience that helped me to feel the inner flickers of aliveness in a way that was very unfamiliar to me. Again, how I would describe it now was the feeling that the spirit of the land was calling to me to come there and start a new chapter of my life.
The night before my final round of interviews, my step-dad and I decided to go downtown to try one of the local breweries. While we both had a decent tolerance, the impact of elevation compounded with dehydration from not replenishing enough liquids at that elevation led us to getting more intoxicated than we meant to, even though we only had a couple of beers each. I woke up the next morning with an intense hangover complete with nausea, a massive headache, and brain fog. That was the day that I was to meet with the owner of the gym that I was interviewing with, and he would be the deciding factor of whether or not I would get employment there- and whether or not I would get a chance to move there and begin this new chapter.
I remember feeling completely spaced out and tried so hard to mask the difficulties that I was having in staying attuned to the conversation. I felt a surge of anxiety as I questioned whether or not I was going to get the job offer. Had I ruined my opportunity because of drinking? Had my unhealthy relationship with alcohol cost me the chance at a new life? Thankfully not. Turns out the owner was a very laid-back individual who simply wanted to meet me rather than carry out a formal interview. He said that he trusted the judgment of the head trainer that carried out my interview process and would give his stamp of approval to officially hire me.
“It’s happening”- the door was open for me to step into this new life path. The way was paved by familiar skills and experience, but the setting and intentions were completely new. It felt daunting and exciting. I couldn’t wait to begin. My interview took place in June and I was to move at the end of August.
After my step-dad and I returned to Texas I spent the rest of that summer saving up what I could to put towards the move. I am grateful to have had ample assistance from loved ones who were supportive of this life transition and helped to cover the costs of the moving truck and trailer. I certainly couldn’t have made the move happen in the timing that it did with the amount of pay that I was getting from my jobs at the time.
In the midst of all these changes, one factor in particular felt like it was the final piece to confirm that this move was right for me. That summer in Texas was a particularly rainy one. We were given such an abundance of rain that Lake Grapevine- the body of water that bordered the edge of the nature center I would retreat to- was overly full and flooded many areas in the county. One such area was that nature center. I could no longer trek through the trails of that special place, I could no longer find my respite from the urbanness of the DFW area. It felt synchronistic to the timing of my journey and upcoming transition to Colorado. It felt to me like a sign from Spirit that said, “it’s time for you to go”.
After much preparation and anticipation for that major life transition, the time had finally come. I would be driving alone in the moving truck with my few possessions, my motorcycle, and my SUV hitched to a trailer. I’ve not commonly been someone who comfortably or confidently takes action alone without someone I know by my side or with the help of someone who has done it before. This was a critical step in moving outside my comfort zones. It is when we allow ourselves to experience discomfort that we are graced with the opportunity to grow. And that is exactly what I was seeking. It was time for me to find my truth, find my meaning and purpose in life, and to find myself.
The day that I left Texas I was immediately pushed out of my comfort zone in ways that I never would have anticipated…
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